Conformity at What Cost?

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."- Dr. Seuss

So,  I'm a huge fan of Curly Nikki - an awesome guide for all curly headed individuals (especially naturals). But Curly Nikki also interjects posts about staying healthy, positive body image and image perception. Today there was a post (which is clickable from my post's title) talking about how black women in particular are perceived through media - especially reality TV. Traditionally, black women are cast in the angry black woman role. You know her, she's the one doing the constant side eye, neck rolling, finger wagging (and/or snapping) and ready to "throw down" at the drop of a dime. In general - usually not a great way to be characterized.

Now, this is not a post about the ills of reality TV. In my opinion, almost no one, regardless of race, gender, age, ethnicity or socio-economic background will walk away with a positive perception from the general public if you're on a reality show. Reality TV is about extremes, and encouraging people to behave badly just for the all mighty Neilson rating score.  My post is from reading a response of a young woman who said (and I'm paraphrasing) because of her fear of being perceived as having all the negative AA stereotypes, she basically lives her life trying to appeal to the masses. Meaning, she goes into stores and is nervous that someone is following her around - so she doesn't really bother to look through the racks unless she plans on buying something. If she's out with friends and someone laughs too loud she shushes them.

My heart goes out to this young woman because think about how much in life she might be ultimately missing out on because she's constantly concerned with how others will perceive her?!

So my question is: At what point is wanting to be liked or seeking approval interfering with your ability to be yourself? Or, more importantly, why are we focusing on what "everyone" thinks instead of the thoughts of the few who actually will have an impact. 

My explanation is below:

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of people being loud and obnoxious just for the sake of it. Nothing irks me more than being stuck on the NYC subway just after the high schools let out - and being forced to hear students (typically minorities) shrieking and hollering at each other just for the sake of hearing their own voices. That to me is extreme ignorance. No, you don't need to whisper, but you don't need to let the entire train car hear your conversation either.

My point is, there's a point where you have to just "do you" and not spend all your time trying to earn approval from people who, for the most part, won't matter. In my opinion, there are two types of people in this world:

1. Those who have stereotypes and are unwilling to change them - even if confronted with proof that their beliefs are wrong.

and

2. Those who have stereotypes, but when confronted with proof that those beliefs are wrong, are willing to change or at least reconsider their original beliefs.

Everyone has biases or stereotypes. It's a fact of life, we're reared listening to our parents or relatives making statements which will ultimately shape how we view the world. And it isn't until we finally get to meet people through school that we either confirm or disprove the beliefs that we've been taught. On the flip side, as a minority, I definitely had my head filled with the "you have to always be perfect, always be the best, and always be ready to defend yourself (verbally - not physically)" because as a minority - and especially an AA - people would already assume the worst of me.

Have I met people who automatically assumed I was up to no good just because of my skin tone? Sure, but nine times out of ten, those people were never in a position to threaten my hopes, dreams or goals - so there was no need for me to stress myself trying to please them. Hence, the opening quote from Dr. Seuss - who's books are actually quite profound: Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

All the people who I wasted time as a youngster worrying about whether or not they liked me (just as a person - not even talking about romantically), or if they thought I was pretty enough or worried about whether they thought I wasn't black enough (since apparently I spoke "like a white girl") are not effecting my career and personal goals today. Yet, all the people I deal with today which is literally an international patchwork quilt - don't give a rat's ass about my background but about my ability to perform and make good on the business claims that I make.

It's nothing for me to deal with people from the US, the UK, Israel, Saudi Arabia, India, Japan, China and Korea (and I'm talking about people actually from the region - not ex-pats) on literally a daily basis. And yes, these people all know that I'm a young African American woman. Never once has it prevented me from making strides professionally. But that's also the difference between the business world and the general public. In the business world, you could probably look like the frog prince (prior to getting his kiss) and people would gladly work with you if you have a strong pitch and positive success rate. And that's also the reason I don't waste my time worrying about what the guy/girl next to me on the subway thinks of me.

So, I made this uber long post to say: I don't believe in wasting time worrying about impressions that you might be creating on people who you don't even know or who will probably have no effect on your life. In my opinion, that's no way to live - and ultimately you'll end up missing out on life because you were creating a self imposed filter when it wasn't even necessary. Anyone who's going to think negatively of you just because you giggled a bit too loudly one day or dared to pull a dress off the rack to get a better look at it - aren't the kind of people that you want to be associating with anyway. I'm a big believer in people getting back what they put out. I walk in confidence, and I speak with a self-assuradness (some would say swagger). I put out a personality of "this is me - take me as I am or keep it moving". I'm positive, polite and respectful - but I will never act apologetic for being young, a woman or African American. And as a result, I almost never find myself dealing with someone who's too small minded to get past their personal opinions about me.

To Trim or Not to Trim...That is The Question

Sorry Shakespeare for hijacking one of your more famous quotes...but it had to be done.

So, let's do an update on the hair journey. This week I switched from Mehendi to Jamila henna - HUGE DIFFERENCE. Jamila henna was a lot smoother in terms of mixing and putting into my hair. Although I don't think I added enough liquid since during the application it was chunking up and sounding like hard bricks hitting the counter. o_0 However, the wash out was still an issue. I definitely still have henna in my hair and am considering doing a shampoo tomorrow to remove it (although at this point I might as well wait til Sunday since Friday is my next scheduled henna app).  Also, the color I'm getting from the Jamila is absolutely gorgeous! It's a nice tint of burgundy which in the sunlight is amazing. I think this is actually because the Mehendi gave me a sandy brown tint and then the Jamila had a lot truer shade of red, so it ended up depositing as a darker stain on top of the Mehendi. Hopefully, I'll start to see these softening "baby doll" results after henna app #3 on Friday.

I tried a new twisting method last night which gave me much more consistent results. Normally, I do between 12 to 13 two-strand twists all over doing it in the french braid style (gathering up hair as you go instead of two full twists all the way down). I do four in the bottom back, two in the middle back and anywhere from five to seven for the remaining hair depending on how committed I'm feeling.  Typically I was creating the twists starting from the front hairline and working my way to the crown/mid ear area. Well normally the middle back had the best volume and the front twists ended up being a variety of sizes for the individual strands (I know, I need to post pics but I get lazy!). So, last night I decided to part the front section down the middle of my scalp and do three twists going vertically on each side of my head. MUCH BETTER. The waves were a lot more uniform in size so...go me!

So, I definitely mentioned it before that I still had some old relaxed ends from my hardcore relaxer days...about 6 to 8 inches. I was checking out my hair this afternoon and the majority of my hair looks super thick and healthy - with the exception of about 4 inches of old relaxed ends. It just looks thin and tends to frizz. I'm definitely debating doing a trim...or in this case a cut; since IMO cutting off anything over an inch is beyond the "trim zone". I'm 75% leaning towards doing it since it just looks super thin and detracts from the thickness. We'll see what happens after henna app #3 later this week. Although, I'm 90% sure that even with the softening/thickening results...the ends are still going to look busted. So, more than likely, I'll be trimming/cutting over the weekend. This means my 14/15 inch length hair (around the top of my bust area) will now be 10/11 inches. But I'd rather have healthy hair than length that looks scraggly!

Still on my Nioxin and Megatek (I'll take a pic of Megatek later) kick - although I haven't megateked this week. Normally I only MT immediately after I wash my hair (so about 2x a week) but this week I've been distracted and I only washed my hair on Monday when I did my 2nd henna app. Hopefully I'll remember to do it on Friday! Nioxin is a daily multi-vitamin supplement, reviews state that people actually manage to grow about an inch of hair a month versus the average half inch. I definitely think that it's working. Although I can't tell directly in my hair, my nails are growing super fast - and Nioxin is meant to aid nail/hair growth as well as help to keep your skin supple. I've only been using Nioxin for about a week and a half (right after St. Patrick's day) and already I've had to trim my nails twice - which is a good sign IMO. I keep my nails short since I do a lot of typing and don't have the patience for long nails.

Will definitely keep you guys posted with my results! ^_^

The Battle of the Curl - Curly, Natural, Straight...Tired of Fighting It!

A woman's hair is her crown...I don't know who said this but never have more truer words been spoken. There are more products on the market to make a woman's hair shinier, bouncy, change the color, lengthen, fluff, tease and do any other form of manipulation than any other product category that I can think of at the moment. And, in the African American community, never were truer words spoken. A lot of importance is put on hair - for a variety of reasons - many of which I'm not going to get into. I for one have never been one of those people who thought that there was a direct link between an AA woman's hair and the rise or fall of the strength of the AA community. So, if you thought that this was one of those posts, sorry to disappoint you. If my choosing to wear extensions or relaxed hair or natural hair keeps you from going to college then it's more a sign of your lack of focus than my choice in hair styles.

Anywho, it seems like my hair journey began when I was little. Pictures of me as an infant show me with these really awesome almost silky looking corkscrew curls (unfortunately I don't have any of those pics on hand - but take my word for it!). Fast forward to when I was 2 and the silky curls turned to the traditional afro puffs that most AA little girls rock until they're at least four or five. And then somewhere around there, my hair went from being somewhat manageable to being something of a nightmare for my mother to deal with in its natural state. My theory: my 1c/2c baby hair came into its own and turned into a 3c/4a even pushing 4b combo that was a bit more resilient to baby oil and a spritz of water.

So, then we transitioned into the relaxer years (although back then it was always just called a perm even though that was technically an incorrect term). The relaxer years took me from about the age of 5 up to my early twenties. I really didn't know much about my hair growing up except that I always remember it being referred to as the "not so easy hair to manage". It wasn't necessarily bad hair, but I definitely remember my mom saying that I inherited my Nana's (my great grandmother) coarse hair. The regimen was usually just relax it every 6 to 8 weeks and then press it straight. Braids were the normal fare in elementary school, followed by overnight roller sets in middle school and high school was a mix of roller sets and curling irons.

By high school, I was pretty well conditioned to believe that my hair was the kind that didn't do much growing, was the most difficult of AA textures to maintain and should never be seen without the world's strongest relaxer on it. I definitely bought into the theory - once college began I chose to get my hair braided rather than deal with my actual texture (on fear that I wouldn't find a good stylist in a decent radius of the school). College turned to post college and I had switched from micro braids to sew in extensions because they took much less time to install (3-4hrs vs 7-9hrs for braids!).

This is around the time that I also stopped relaxing my hair (circa 2004). In my opinion - if I wasn't wearing my hair out there was no real purpose for me to relax the hair - which honestly makes a ton of sense. Why create an extra step if you really don't have to right? This is also around the time that I would tell my stylist to go ahead and cut my hair if necessary to braid it down because I wasn't wearing it out anyway. Well, fast forward to about 2007 and I decided that I would try and grow my hair out and one day start wearing it on the regular again. What prompted this? Seeing all the length that I was gaining between sew ins. My hair had gone from barely just above shoulder length and being thin and scraggly to being in the shoulder blade area. And, it wasn't gross and stringy but was actually quite thick. At the time I still wasn't ready to wear it out, but I was interested in making the effort to grow it out.

Fast forward again to 2010 and during one of my take down processes (removing a sew-in for you hair novices out there) I realized that my hair was now reaching BSL (bra strap length - referring to the back bra strap)! Literally the longest my hair has ever been! And it was healthy, full - but really coarse (or so I thought). I still wasn't interested in going back to relaxers just because I had this concept that relaxers are inherently bad for you based on my experiences growing up. Thinking back I think it was more of a poor hair care routine, stress and probably not the world's greatest diet that had more to do with that than with the relaxer itself (although looking back, my mom's relaxer application methods are definitely not orthodox - putting relaxer on all hair, not just the new growth).

My hair flatironed Jan '11

Shift to January of this year and I decided to actually take my hair out for a test drive. So, while I was washing my hair, I realized that I had these awesome corkscrew curls throughout my hair. However, when it air dried, the top 6-8 inches of my hair experienced a ton of shrinkage because those inches were all virgin/unrelaxed hair. The bottom 6 - 8 inches maintained their cute corkscrew curls without the shrinkage issues because it was the old relaxed hair that had grown out. Technically, I guess, I'm only half natural. I'm not one of those people who felt like doing a big chop, nor am I one of those people who gets a high from telling people that they're "all natural" - seriously I have bigger concerns in my life than whether or not other people think my hair is really all mine/unaltered by chemicals etc. So, since I couldn't control the curl pattern on the virgin portion of my hair, I ended up straightening everything just to keep some uniformity and because I really wanted to get a look at the length that I had achieved.

Braid out & pinned back

The drawback of trying to wear your hair straight when you're natural is that any little bit of humidity would make the hair poof a bit at the roots - meaning I had to flatiron the hair again to achieve the straightness that would last longer on the relaxed ends. I didn't flatiron all the time, but even I knew that all the length I had achieved I was jeopardizing by flatironing my hair even on a weekly basis. So, for the past week or so, I've been considering alternative methods - and I only had a few options. I could attempt to really embrace my two textured hair (virgin vs. relaxed ends) - but considering that I'd been doing that for the past two and a half months with no luck, I wasn't really taking that option seriously. I could just go back to extensions, keep my hair braided down - problem solved, but not really what I wanted to do. Or, I could put in a texlax, an under processed relaxer that doesn't actually straighten the hair but loosens the curl pattern and somewhat alleviating the shrinkage issue.

Relaxed ends curl pattern

Well, after seeing the super cute curls on my older relaxed ends that I've spent lots of money on to recreate via extensions, and doing a ton of research I opted for the texlax. The reality is the Dorian today isn't the same Dorian who had no clue about proper hair maintenance, relaxer applications and the like. So, tomorrow I begin yet another phase of my hair life and enter the world of texlaxing. And before the natural heads come in and circle the wagons...I think being natural is awesome, but for me it was really an unrealistic option. My natural curl pattern is a mix of 3c and 4a. And it creates gorgeous curls when wet - but when it starts to dry, the curls tighten into something unrecognizable where I can't even comb the virgin hair without wetting it down first. That's just way too much work for me to put into having "natural" hair. I'm a busy chick, I run my own company, I'm always on the go. I DO NOT want to spend all day in front of the mirror - that's why I switched to extensions for so long!!

I'll try to actually document the hair journey via pictures when I remember to do so - I would say that I'd post videos - but I'm not quite that committed to the cause. Anywho, I'll try to keep this updated, but my ultimate goals are gorgeous curls and super healthy, strong and growing hair. :)

A Funny Commentary On a Great Post from the Ask A Korean Blog

Okay, so recently I started following a blog I came across called "Ask a Korean". It's a great little blog written from the perspective of a Korean American guy and covers everything from Korean culture to little random posts. Well, today I came across a post on AAK's blog called "Open letter to non Asian-American People" which was basically a listing of how not to make an ass out of yourself when approaching and interacting with Asian Americans.

I love this blog...but with this post, I think it would honestly apply to any group of people. It reminded me of the number of times I've experienced that "did this joker really say this retarded crap to me and think that they're cute?!" moment. So, I decided to compile a personal list of things I've experienced as an African American woman that might help some non-black people learn how to better interact with their peers! And this is just for fun...so please don't write me a 20 page dissertation on how what I said was offensive. The Internet is free...start your own blog and type away if you don't like what's in this list.

Nothing is more obnoxious than people saying things like:  


1. "You speak so clearly!" No, not all of us sound like Lil Wayne, and the underlying implication that you didn't think smart AA's existed until you met me is extremely insulting. I went to an Ivy League school, why would I sound like Lil Wayne.  


2. Trying to talk to me in a hood slang accent. I should let you know I grew up in one of the whitest neighborhoods in Indianapolis...in fact, I'm probably more preppy or suburban than you, so please stop trying to relate to me under the assumption that every black person grew up in "tha hood". Unless you're Eminem, or someone who truly grew up in "tha hood"...talk normal.

3. Giving me the look of shock if I tell you I got a sunburn at the beach. Contrary to popular belief, a higher percentage of melanin in your skin isn't a guarantee that you won't get burned.

4. "You're so pretty, are you mixed or something?" Now in fairness, yes I have a lot, and I do mean A LOT going on in my family tree. But whether you meant to or not (and most of the time I'm sure people don't when they say this to me) you're also implying that by default, if I'm "just black" that I wouldn't be pretty. Unfortunately, that plays to a huge cultural thing in the AA community about skin color and its equivalence with beauty - you don't want to go there with a black person. It's a foot in mouth thing...just say I'm pretty, and if I choose to give you the break down on my family tree then so be it.

5. "You look just like that one actress/singer/chick down the street." Much like #4, I'm sure you're not implying it, but seriously, we don't all look alike. I don't look like Janet Jackson from Good Times, and just because I sometimes go blonde doesn't make me Beyonce either.

6. "I know you can show us how to dance!" Said to me at a frat party in college...actually I've seen some pretty rhythm-less black people...so once again...don't let the stereotype get your head twisted. Although yes, I can dance! ^_^

7. "I know all about black women and their hair." Sorry, just because you watched Chris Rock's movie "Good Hair" doesn't mean you know jack about black women and their hair and the cultural significance it plays in our society. You watched a movie...that's it...don't let it go to your head.

8. "Can I touch your hair?!" No jackass, you can't. Just for reference...asking to touch anything on anyone who you don't really know is much like non-verbally saying "I look at you as if you're something strange and odd...so I must inspect it". Inspect from afar...and silently.

9. "My neighbor/mailman/person-down-the-block-who-I-don't-really-know is black". This is cringe-worthy. Please, I totally get it that a lot of people don't actually spend a lot of time around people of color just because of the composition of their town. But saying this, makes you seem really out of touch.

10. "You must get mad when you see a black man with a white woman" Ummm actually no...I have been happily in an interracial relationship with a Puerto Rican man for the last 5 years. So, why would I be worrying about what some random man who I don't know is doing or who he's dating. Don't let the 1990's urban "African American themed" movies get to your head...I don't care what the next man is doing as long as he's doing it for love and not for "status" or to fill a fetish.

11. Speaking of fetishes...don't assume that all AA women are freaks or like the video chicks on late night BET & will welcome advances from anything male...I know some serious prudes out there. And it's insulting to have men come up to you trying to be wayyy too familiar. Unless you want me to mace you...keep your thoughts to yourself.

12. "Why do black people do (insert subject here)?" How the hell would I know?! I'm one black woman...I do not speak for all black people around the world. I don't ask you to rep your race/ethnicity...please don't ask me to quantify an entire group of people.

13. "Are you an 'angry black woman'?" Seriously?! AA women are in a "damned if we do damned if we don't" position wayyyy too many times. I'm not an angry black woman but this question tries my patience...just because you've watched "Diary of a Mad Black Woman", "Waiting to Exhale" or any other "AA oriented female empowerment movie" doesn't make you an expert on black women and our love/hate relationship in our overall community. I would have to say, no, I'm not an angry black woman...but this question makes me want to slap you.

14. "You must be great at sports" I'm not Venus or Serena or Sheryl Swoops. In fact, I was happy to get a C in gym class. Please don't assume things.

15. Fried chicken, watermelon & chitlins. Okay yes I like fried chicken, but who doesn't? (besides a vegetarian!) Watermelon? Not a fan of the consistency....and the thought of eating pig intestines is too gross for words.

16. The assumption that all black people (African, W. Indian, AA's, black Brits, etc.) are all the same. FAIL FAIL FAIL...it's a night and day kind of thing. The only thing we share is melanin and a shared general ancestry...please don't lump us all in the same category. Some people take HUGE offense to this...much like saying a Mexican is the same as a PRican as a Dominican as a Spaniard...I've seen people get into huge arguments over being lumped into the same ethnicity...don't go there!

Okay...so those are my pet peeves...anyone else experienced anything like this? Doesn't have to be just black people...share your comments and again, this was all in fun so please don't send me hate mail over this! ^_^