A Relationship Question...at What Point is Money a Taboo?!

Okay...so it's been a long time...I shouldn't have left you! (couldn't resist the Aaliyah song reference).

But in all seriousness, it has been farrrrrr too long, but I've been super busy. However, I'm back now with a relationship question and I'd love to get some feedback on it!

So, I was on a forum earlier tonight and a guy (we'll call him Mr. X) mentioned that he has a $20 spending cap for first dates. He doesn't feel like it's necessary to spend money, and first dates only consist of walks through parks, visiting museums (if free) and taking them to Subway for meals. Basically, he's been burned enough by gold diggers that he know forces all women to pass the first date test (although the spending limit extends well into the 3rd, 4th and 5th date). And to add to this, he hadn't met a girl yet who made him feel like she was worth breaking his $20 test formula. Errmmmm...yeah I know! Anyway this is the question:

Should first date spending caps be implemented? Should a woman be frowned upon for not accepting a cap as low as $20 for a first date? And is it possible that Mr. X has as much to do with the kind of woman he's attracting as much as the woman is responsible for her behavior on a date?

I preface this by saying, no woman should force a guy to pay top dollar just to prove a point. Ordering the lobster at market value, the best champaign just because, and dragging a man to the mall to take you shopping are all signs of gold diggery that are not acceptable. Gold diggers (much like bad boys) create bitter jaded men and make the rest of us struggle that much harder to break through a guy's outer shell to get to the warm fuzzy center. I'd also like to know in what city you can have a date for $20 that covers food and activities?!

But on the flip side, no one should create a test formula that's set up to make the respondent (date) fail. In my opinion, a $20 budget test is really a waste of time for both parties. Time is the one thing that none of us can get back. I think my time is pretty valuable, and I would hope that if I was single, the guy who asked me out would already know in advance if they wanted to spend any kind of one-on-one time with me before asking me out on a date. Walks in the park and free museum nights are great for an occasional break from the routine...but if every date is a trip to cheapskate world...let's just say it won't take long for a woman to pick up on it.

If you're spending all of your time focusing on a mental obstacle course (via the $20 cap) then you're not focusing on getting to know the person that you're dating. You're so focused on proving that a cliche (the gold digger) is true that you miss the opportunity to get to know what makes your date unique and interesting. Which segues into my next point...

Maybe you need to re-evaluate your criteria for asking a woman out on a date if you find yourself always dating gold diggers that force you to implement a budget test. Much like a woman who complains about dating "no good hood dudes" but only replies to the guy hanging on the corner...I feel like this guy is attracting and interacting primarily with women who are less than ideal. We're told that there's two sides to every story...so the blame can't rest entirely on the woman's shoulders!

But now you know my view...I'm definitely interested in hearing your take on the topic!

A Thought Provoking Post...

Ok...I know, it's almost 4AM on Monday morning, but every once in a while I get inspired. This is a repost of a comment I made on an ezine article...but it was so interesting and the responses to the article were so varied that I thought it deserved to be re-posted.

So, I follow Clutch Magazine (@clutchmagazine) on Twitter and they had an article that I came across called "Where Are Black Men's Voices in Single Black Woman Commentary?"

In case you don't read the article, it's basically highlighting the fact that recently, mainstream media has been focusing on the fact that there is an influx of marrying age SBF's (single black females) who aren't finding their black male counterparts. But these SBF's can be classified as middle class - gainfully employed, college educated, etc. etc. So, the columnist was essentially irritated with the mainstream focus on it - making SBF's sound like an endangered species. And, she wanted to hear the black man's perspective on it - rather than just the mainstream media's sound bites on it.

And this is where it got interesting...

People commented quite a bit - and the opinions were highly varied; some condemning black men for the current status of black on black relationships, and many saying don't just limit yourself to dating black men. Now, this is where it got me thinking...why in 2010 when our president is bi-racial are we (collective we - not personally) as black women still fixated on "The Black Man". We're in a post Loving vs. the State of VA world - where we're not forced to stick to our own. Even though it's been proven time and again through history, we're allowed to love whoever we want. So, why do we as black women only fixate on a black man and worse still become embittered when we see a black man with someone from another race - even when we know for a fact that we wouldn't want that man if he was available and interested in us?!

Having said that, this was my comment, please feel free to weigh in...

"I put this article/argument right along with the statistical evidence that people who come from single parent homes are neither as well adjusted or successful as their two parent family counterparts. If you’re looking for data to support a negative spin, it’s very easy to find it. 

In additional to the overwhelming gender bashing (both obvious and subversive) that I read in this thread I also see an obnoxious sense of entitlement coming from both genders. As a black woman, I just have to put this out there: Black men don’t “owe” you a relationship just because they fulfill a few “must haves” on your list (educated, gainfully employed, etc.) and you made it through college & are upwardly mobile. And likewise, black women aren’t required to play the “submissive Christie doll” routine just because you’re a black man. Respect, loyalty and dedication are earned. Being from the same racial make up as me guarantees you nothing except that we’re both sharing common ancestry.

When it comes to finding an appropriate mate (whether same race or from a different race) you get what you give. If you walk around with a complex saying “I went to college and I have a good job and I’m attractive – black men should just WANT me – but said black man must come with XYZ” then you’re going to end up with shallow jerk offs who wouldn’t support you if you lost it all tomorrow. Likewise, the time you waste worrying about why the random guy you saw in the store was with a white/asian/latin woman is time you’re wasting not meeting the guy you really want. Why waste your time worrying about something that you can’t change? I find many of my black female friends complaining about seeing a black man with a woman of another race. And then, when I ask them if they’re even mildly attracted to the man – 9 times out of 10 they wouldn’t want him if he was single. If the man approached them in the club they would be making a stank face. So, stop complaining. Regardless of whether or not a black man is dating a woman of another race because he really loves her or for status – it doesn’t change the fact that you’re not with him – so stop worrying about him.

We (as a culture) continue to help perpetuate these stereotypes and drama by focusing on things that we can’t change. We write books about it, bring it up in movies (all written by African Americans male & female) and even in comedy skits. Yet, somehow we’re upset when “mainstream” media picks up the soundbite and runs with it. Much like the N word debate and the “bitch” word debate – if you keep making a platform for it, it’s only a matter of time until the people outside of your own community decide to start shedding light on it.

And likewise, I agree with many other women on here who have said that you shouldn’t be limiting your dating pool by just race alone. I’ve been in a healthy, supportive and HAPPY relationship with a hispanic man for the last 5 years – not because I only date Spanish men (although I have dated men of all races) – but because we actually click and connected in ways that I’ve never been able to do with anyone else – regardless of race. We’ve both supported each other in starting our own businesses and have grown as individuals and as a couple. Somehow, I’ve always found that it’s silly to only allow myself to date people based on something as superficial as skin color – especially if my hopes/goals/dreams are more aligned with someone who is from a different race. And especially with the responses I’m seeing from a lot of the women on here – if you REALLY feel black men are so villainous/overbearing/looking for someone who will kowtow to them, then it’s even more of a reason why you should be expanding your horizons, not just sitting there with sand in your mouth.

In other words – if you’re not happy with the results you’re getting, then it’s up to you to make the change. Sitting around complaining about the state of black on black relationships isn’t going to make things any better and isn’t going to get you any closer to a happy & healthy relationship."